Oh, the difficulty of language barriers........
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da honeamoona?'
Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'
'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.
'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, no eat in disa car.
Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore,
he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice...
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !
'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus.'
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
A Funny Story About Aging
Will this be me when I get older? I feel like I have days like this already!☺ It's a good thing my kids carry a cell phone....you know for the times when I forget to pick them up!☺ Since we have moved the kids complain that they have to ride the bus now....they see it as torture, I see it as "at least you are getting a ride home!" I hope you enjoy this little story....my brother emailed it to me and it made me laugh!
$5.37
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child! Senior
citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.
There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think
was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my
food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to
help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social
Security benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by
mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm
not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in
my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
$5.37
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child! Senior
citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.
There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think
was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my
food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to
help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social
Security benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by
mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm
not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in
my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
How You Know When Love Fades....
I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, sweetums? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, “I'd love chicken, thank you."
She replied, "Go to hell. You're having hamburger. I was talking to the cat."
Isn't love poetic??☺☺
"What would you like for dinner, sweetums? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, “I'd love chicken, thank you."
She replied, "Go to hell. You're having hamburger. I was talking to the cat."
Isn't love poetic??☺☺
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Potty
Even with 4 kids they still surprise me everyday. I am a little surprised that one of my boys never came up with this logic! ☺
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
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