Hell Explained....(By a college chemistry student)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls
are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

My List Of Firsts.....Revisited

I was reading through some of my old posts and I liked this one. I wanted to rerun it for fun.......the sad part is that nothing in it has changed from when I first posted it. I know that I didn't travel back in time to change anything but I still hit the snooze button this morning, my husband was the first person I talked to this morning and no one has called or texted me yet......I'm not sure but there may be a pattern developing here......



Who was your FIRST pet? The first pet I remember as a kid was a blue tic hound named Freda. She had BIG floppy ears and was always baying at the moon. I remember one time when she tangled with a porcupine and mom had to pull the quills out with a pair of pliers! Wonder what happened to that dog.....

Do you still talk to your FIRST love? no

What was you FIRST job? My first job I got paid for was babysitting but my first real "had to have an interview" job was at the IGA

What was your FIRST car? The first car I had to drive after I got my licence was our HUGE station wagon. Needless to say, I didn't go out driving much.

Who was the FIRST person to text or call you today? No one yet!

Who was your FIRST grade teacher? Miss Loftus

Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? To California

Who was your FIRST best friend and do you still talk? I would say Aurora....no

Where was your FIRST sleepover? Don't remember

Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? My husband

Whose wedding were you in for the FIRST time? My oldest sister's (does sitting at the guest book count?)

What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? Hit my snooze several times

What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

FIRST set of stitches and how? I think it was when I cut my finger while trying to separate frozen side pork. I ended up getting stitches in my toe the same day I got the stitches in my finger taken out! Good thing I am graceful!

FIRST piercing? My ears when I was 13

FIRST foreign country you've been too? Does North Dakota count?

FIRST movie you remember? STARS WARS (I remember because I held hands with a boy I liked through the whole movie in a room full of kids and tried really hard for no one to see that we were holding hands under a pillow! ;-)

What was your FIRST bike? I got a reconditioned bike that was painted blue and had a new banana seat that looked like denim.....it was AWESOME! My brother taught me how to pop a wheelie on it but after I fell flat on my back it didn't seem quite as fun!

What was your FIRST computer? A Gateway that I ordered over the phone!

Who was your first roommate? I never had a roommate

FIRST kiss? Same boy from the Star Wars movie....different night

Fishing

I couldn't resist, this one made me giggle! 

First guy: ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come

out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint
every room in the house next weekend.’

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck'.

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.  So they asked him.
You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to
come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: ‘I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my
alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, Fishing or Sex?'
She said, "Wear sun-block."

Can You Understand What I Am Saying?

Oh, the difficulty of language barriers........



After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da honeamoona?'
Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'
'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.
'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, no eat in disa car.
Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car.  Musta go to a smokina car.'
'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore,
he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice...
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !
'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus.'

A Funny Story About Aging

Will this be me when I get older?  I feel like I have days like this already!☺  It's a good thing my kids carry a cell phone....you know for the times when I forget to pick them up!☺ Since we have moved the kids complain that they have to ride the bus now....they see it as torture, I see it as "at least you are getting a ride home!"  I hope you enjoy this little story....my brother emailed it to me and it made me laugh!


$5.37

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child! Senior
citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.
There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think
was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my
food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to
help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social
Security benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by
mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm
not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in
my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

How You Know When Love Fades....

I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, sweetums? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, “I'd love chicken, thank you."



She replied, "Go to hell. You're having hamburger. I was talking to the cat."
 
Isn't love poetic??☺☺

For Lack Of A Better Post

I believe this is third hand blog but what the heck, it's fun!


Rules: It's harder than it looks. Use the 1st letter of your last name to answer each of the following questions. The more creative the better. Don't copy the persons you read if you have the same letter. Don't make up anything. You can't use your name for the boy/ girl name.


1. Four letter word? Mold


2. A boys name: Marvin


3. A girls name: Meredith


4. An Occupation: Maid



5. A Color: Maroon



6.Something you wear: Mask



7. A Beverage: Mojito



8. A Food: Moo Goo Gai Pan


9. Something found in the bathroom: Mud Mask (is that double the points?☺)



10. A place: Montana (Where else is there?!)



11. A reason to be late: Menstural flow (or lack there of, hence the late thing -- ☺☺)



12. Something you shout: MARCO!

We Are AWESOME!

No matter what our kids and the new Generation think about us, WE ARE AWESOME !!!!
OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!


TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
After that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we wore baseball caps, not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
And riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat!
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight. WHY?  Because we were always outside playing ... that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
We had no cell phones, so no one was able to reach us all day. And we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Play stations, color TVs, Nintendo's, or X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
So if you're one of US, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government started regulating so much of our lives for 'our own good.'
And while you are at it, share it with your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?


The following is Jay Leno's quote:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu, swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Aren't Kids Priceless??

Would you just look at the expression on the ' other ' little girl's face!
That is absolutely priceless!

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand..

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money
That's my public service announcement for the day. Thank you very much! - it’s only ‘cuz I care!

Have You Gotten Your Flu Shot?

The First Half of this makes sense, but I like the second half better.


Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...When you go for a shot, what do they do first?  They Clean your arm with alcohol...Why?  Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise)

I put lime in my Corona (fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the bar patio (fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh (eliminate stress)

Then pass out (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My mother always said,  'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much

Hell Explained (By A College Chemistry Student)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls
are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes  over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two  must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Children's Thoughts On The Ocean

1 - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2 - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3 - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)
4 - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5 - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6 - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7 - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8 - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9 - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10 - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11 - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12 - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13 - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14 - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15 - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. James, age 7

Afternoon Delight.....

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!

- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're screwing?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

Truly heartwarming, isn't?!!??!?! ;-)

Random Thoughts For The day

I have received these thoughts before, but I am crediting Autumn (Autumndaesy) for this hilarious (and sometimes true) fodder since she is the one I most recently received it froms!  Thanks Autumn!  Everyone read and enjoy....I am sure that you will find truth to many! (possibly most of them!)

*I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
*Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
*I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
*Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
*There is a great need for sarcasm font. { }
*Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
*How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
*I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I am trying to finish a text.
*A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
*Was learning cursive really necessary?
*Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
*Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
*My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
*How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
*I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
*Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
*I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
*Bad decisions make good stories.
*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
*Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
*If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
*Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?  Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a
 problem....
*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
*There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. (This one is way too true!!!)
*I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
*"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
*I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?
*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
*When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
*Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
*Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
*I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
*Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
*en under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
*My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
*It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
*wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
*I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
*I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
*The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

THESE REALLY WORK!!
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3.. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. IF YOU ARE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, DRINK A GLASS OF SCALDING HOT WATER....PROBLEM SOLVED

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Who Doesn't Like Funny??

First of all, I would like to say GOD BLESS AMERICA and all of those who gave their all and all of those that were left behind......I will never forget!

As I said before, I LOVE funny!!  Who doesn't??  Really? Why would you not love funny?  I love telling stories about my family that is humorous (or maybe you have figured that out by now) or about people who aren't family....just about anything and everyone I guess.  ANYWAYS, sometimes I don't always have a great story to tell, but I always have an endless supply of emails that can be quite funny but also the ones that make you just wanna scratch your head and say, huh??  So in the spirit of keeping things funny, I decided to share some of my emails......look at it this way -- you can read the funny on here or I can clutter your email inbox with such nonsense! (I try hard not to get too crazy with the emails...I am sure that people dodge me in public for enough reasons....no need to give them one more! HA) 
****Life is short....ENJOY the funny!****
**********************************************************************

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they wouldn't trade him for the world.
**********************************************************************
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his
name.
"Fred", he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket.  The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling MD,  DDS.  Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
Assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS, with VD.
When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Who Knew????

Yes folks....people really do think like this.....YIKES!!!


How would you pronounce this child's name?

 "Le-a"

 Leah?? NO.

Lee - A?? NOPE.

Lay - a?? NO.

Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced
 "Ledasha".  When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, "The dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember
to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye and a lump in your throat, doesn't it?

No Parent Left Behind.....

As I write this I am NOT saying that I am perfect.....I am far from it.  BUT, how can you not laugh at these??  They were written by parents!  I guess maybe they need a "no parent left behind" law!!!! ;-)
 I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud or throw up.  These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.

 Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Summer's End....Happy or Sad??

With summer coming to close I find myself happy and sad. Happy (very, very happy) that school is starting again but sad that golf will be coming to an end. I have come to look forward to my Wednesday golf night with the ladies. A big part of the fun is spend a few hours with my extremely hilarious sister-in-law Autumn. (yes -- of Autumn Daesy blog fame) Her and I share a unique flair for being able to carry on a conversation consisting entirely of movie quotes. At times not an easy feat but highly entertaining....to us anyways! Some people just look at us like "What the hell are they talking about? Are they high?" Yes. we are high on life....and beer and wine! Beer for me and wine for her...for those of you who HAVEN'T heard the story -- I found out the hard way that 1) wine and golf don't go well together (unless you are an experienced wine girl like Autumn) and 2) I should never attempt to drink Autumn drink for drink! I am not saying that she is a wino or alcoholic.....more like experienced -- (who we kidding Autumn, you could hold your own when drinking with pirates!) I often wonder if I wasn't adopted because I don't have the ability to drink like the rest of my family, but I feel that I am getting better at it! I can actually drink a beer (without tomato juice) and not gag...in fact, I will often have another! Now that I have gotten side tracked by the whole drinking aspect of golf, let us talk about the other part of golf.....safety. Frankly, I feel that Autumn must secretly fear for her personal safety every time she gets into that golf cart with me! (and if she don't she probably should!) The part that I find funny is that no matter how many near brushes with death we have had, she still makes ME sit in the driver's seat! Now that is courage! Women like her should be in the military....I can hear her flash back story to the grandkids now....."Yeah, I was in the war. But I was never more scared then that time when I almost lost my leg golfing with your Aunt Heather. She was a squirrely one....never knew what she was gonna do. I would go left and she would too, in the cart. Always had to be on your toes around her. Sometimes she wouldn't even wait for me to get into the cart before she would take off....or make me scoop up balls from the cart at full speed! You ask why I ain't afraid of the Taliban? Because, Sir, I golfed with Heather Myrstol!" To all of you who

enjoy the game of golf......May your balls fly straight and may you never lose the pink one!!!!

My favorite golf buddy!

My new golf beer!