The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls
are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Children's Thoughts On The Ocean
1 - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2 - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3 - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)
4 - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5 - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6 - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7 - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8 - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9 - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10 - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11 - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12 - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13 - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14 - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15 - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. James, age 7
2 - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3 - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)
4 - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5 - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6 - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7 - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8 - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9 - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10 - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11 - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12 - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13 - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14 - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15 - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. James, age 7
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Afternoon Delight.....
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!
- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're screwing?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
Truly heartwarming, isn't?!!??!?! ;-)
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!
- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're screwing?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
Truly heartwarming, isn't?!!??!?! ;-)
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Random Thoughts For The day
I have received these thoughts before, but I am crediting Autumn (Autumndaesy) for this hilarious (and sometimes true) fodder since she is the one I most recently received it froms! Thanks Autumn! Everyone read and enjoy....I am sure that you will find truth to many! (possibly most of them!)
*I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
*Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
*I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
*Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
*There is a great need for sarcasm font. { }
*Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
*How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
*I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I am trying to finish a text.
*A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
*Was learning cursive really necessary?
*Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
*Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
*My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
*How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
*I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
*Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
*I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
*Bad decisions make good stories.
*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
*Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
*If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
*Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a
problem....
*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
*There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. (This one is way too true!!!)
*I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
*"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
*I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?
*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
*When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
*Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
*Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
*I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
*Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
*en under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
*My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
*It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
*wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
*I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
*I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
*The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
*I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
*Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
*I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
*Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
*There is a great need for sarcasm font. { }
*Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
*How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
*I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I am trying to finish a text.
*A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
*Was learning cursive really necessary?
*Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
*Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
*My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."
*How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
*I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
*Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
*I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
*Bad decisions make good stories.
*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
*Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
*If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
*Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a
problem....
*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
*There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. (This one is way too true!!!)
*I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
*"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
*I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?
*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
*When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
*Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
*Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
*I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
*Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
*en under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
*My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
*It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
*wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
*I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
*I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
*The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Bedtime....Always Fun!
School is finally in full swing. Having said that, I think my kids are still on the summer schedule. Around our house, bedtime is 9:00pm. (My husband wishes it was 7:00) I have come to the conclusion that if I want my darlings in bed by 9, I'd better start herding them in that direction around 7:30 and then maybe, just maybe things will fall into place. My children are the masters of distraction. When I say it is time to get ready for bed, they head towards their room and then shut the door and get lost in the TV. When they are that quiet I forget (for only a moment) where I have sent them and why but, nonetheless, am enjoying the peace and quiet. When I finally go back to check on them I get crazy because they haven't done one thing that I have asked. Seeing the crazy in my eyes they hop to (or pretend to) and get ready for bed. Apparently they have a condition that doesn't allow them to go to sleep unless I have tucked them in. (and it has to be ME, not even Dad will do at this point...I think it may all be part of their devious plan to avoid bed) After many mooches and hugs and tucks (and I say MANY because if I give an "incorrect" hug or mooch we have to start all over) I finally get out of there and by now it is usually past 9:30. What procrastinators......(I think I have worked with people with this same condition!) Funnily enough, it doesn't end there. After I get them all to bed and have made it to bed myself, there is nothing like the feeling you get when you are just drifting off and you open your eyes and you have your nine year old 2 inches from your face. She has, yet again, heard noises and wants to sleep in our room. I tell her that there are 3 other people sleeping in the room with her...if the boogy man does show up she needs only to outrun her brothers and sister that I don't care but she has to sleep on the floor. I only let my kids sleep on the floor in my room. You would think that this would discourage them from it......not my kids. When I get out of bed in the mornings I get to run an obstacle course of bodies. All of my kids sleep with their blankets over their heads so if I happen to step on someone I can usually tell who it is by the noise they make. I have accidentally step on a few of them and you would think that would discourage them....not my kids. And don't even get me started on what it is like trying to explain to the husband why I am "not in the mood".....it is very hard to get the romance going with all of your previous "creations of love" just waiting to question your every move......I can't wait until bedtime tonight....maybe I will start the proceedings at 6 tonight......
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Amazing Simple Home Remedies
THESE REALLY WORK!!
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3.. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. IF YOU ARE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, DRINK A GLASS OF SCALDING HOT WATER....PROBLEM SOLVED
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3.. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. IF YOU ARE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, DRINK A GLASS OF SCALDING HOT WATER....PROBLEM SOLVED
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Does God Exist?
First off I want to say that I am not a bible thumper (and I don't hold it against anyone who is) and I know that by using that term I am not being "politically correct", but I received this from one of my best friends who is going through a tough time right now and I just wanted to share it with everyone else. I don't care if you agree or disagree, I just really like the message behind it.
This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen...
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'
'Why do you say that?' asked the customer. 'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?
If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain!
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.
Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'
'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber.
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'
'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'
'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'
'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'
BE BLESSED & BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS!!!!!!!
This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen...
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'
'Why do you say that?' asked the customer. 'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?
If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain!
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.
Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'
'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber.
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'
'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'
'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'
'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'
Friday, September 11, 2009
Who Doesn't Like Funny??
First of all, I would like to say GOD BLESS AMERICA and all of those who gave their all and all of those that were left behind......I will never forget!
As I said before, I LOVE funny!! Who doesn't?? Really? Why would you not love funny? I love telling stories about my family that is humorous (or maybe you have figured that out by now) or about people who aren't family....just about anything and everyone I guess. ANYWAYS, sometimes I don't always have a great story to tell, but I always have an endless supply of emails that can be quite funny but also the ones that make you just wanna scratch your head and say, huh?? So in the spirit of keeping things funny, I decided to share some of my emails......look at it this way -- you can read the funny on here or I can clutter your email inbox with such nonsense! (I try hard not to get too crazy with the emails...I am sure that people dodge me in public for enough reasons....no need to give them one more! HA)
****Life is short....ENJOY the funny!****
**********************************************************************
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they wouldn't trade him for the world.
**********************************************************************
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his
name.
"Fred", he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
Assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS, with VD.
When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
As I said before, I LOVE funny!! Who doesn't?? Really? Why would you not love funny? I love telling stories about my family that is humorous (or maybe you have figured that out by now) or about people who aren't family....just about anything and everyone I guess. ANYWAYS, sometimes I don't always have a great story to tell, but I always have an endless supply of emails that can be quite funny but also the ones that make you just wanna scratch your head and say, huh?? So in the spirit of keeping things funny, I decided to share some of my emails......look at it this way -- you can read the funny on here or I can clutter your email inbox with such nonsense! (I try hard not to get too crazy with the emails...I am sure that people dodge me in public for enough reasons....no need to give them one more! HA)
****Life is short....ENJOY the funny!****
**********************************************************************
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they wouldn't trade him for the world.
**********************************************************************
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his
name.
"Fred", he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
Assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS, with VD.
When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Who Knew????
Yes folks....people really do think like this.....YIKES!!!
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO.
Lee - A?? NOPE.
Lay - a?? NO.
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced
"Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, "The dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember
to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
Kinda brings a tear to your eye and a lump in your throat, doesn't it?
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO.
Lee - A?? NOPE.
Lay - a?? NO.
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced
"Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, "The dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember
to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
Kinda brings a tear to your eye and a lump in your throat, doesn't it?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
No Parent Left Behind.....
As I write this I am NOT saying that I am perfect.....I am far from it. BUT, how can you not laugh at these?? They were written by parents! I guess maybe they need a "no parent left behind" law!!!! ;-)
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud or throw up. These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud or throw up. These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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